


Waltz of Crystal Fairies

by vampirexchild



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Smut, Hurt, M/M, Making Up, Mutual Pining, Past Relationship(s), Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:34:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28279953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampirexchild/pseuds/vampirexchild
Summary: A white Christmas falls upon a chance to repair Frank and Gerard's fractured romance that never faded into a mere thing of the past.
Relationships: Frank Iero/Gerard Way
Comments: 9
Kudos: 54





	Waltz of Crystal Fairies

**Author's Note:**

> Christmas oneshot! I hope you like it, this is something I wrote last year but I rewrote it and changed some things. Let me know what you think xo

There were snowflakes dangling from his eyelashes: that was the first initial thought bursting through Gerard's shell-shocked state.

The snowstorm had kicked in unexpectedly. Ice began to slick the roads in the late afternoon. The ominous rumble in the clouds unleashed sheets of rain before the droplets were encased in frozen, little shells gently fluttering to the earth like the elegant dance of frosted fairies entangling their limbs. The brutality of the blizzard didn't kick in until moments ago and the waltz of fairies became frozen bullets piling onto the ground and swallowing up everything visible in blankets of pure white. Nighttime fell and it was an odd contrast seeing white escaping a slate of pure black. The stars weren't visible, but the luminous glow of the moon was strong enough to make a faint appearance behind the clouds knitted together.

Gerard was staying over at his brother Mikey's house during the holidays for the first time in two years. He was meant to stay the entire month of December, so generously lent a guest room in the brand new home Mikey purchased for himself and his wife of one year, Kristin. They were two halves of a whole in a way where they weren't so similar, but their personalities made the most perfect balance gifting them happiness they wouldn't find anywhere else other than in each other's presence. The warmth of their household was present in every corner and Gerard, after being invited insistently, decided to stay the entire month after being distant for far too long despite living one hour away.

Kristin was six months pregnant and still fluttering around the kitchen like a pixie hiding her wings underneath comfortable sweaters and stretchy yoga pants accommodating to her swollen belly. The smell of fresh baking lingered in the household along with her various dinner dishes she prepared for the first time with her handy recipe book her grandmother gifted to her on her wedding night. Gerard's gratitude lead him to helping as often as he could with preparations and cleaning the aftermath of their dinners leaving himself and his brother plentifully satisfied. He feared he might've gained a few pounds during his stay after struggling for so long to achieve a thinner figure, but Kristin insisted on feeding him, claiming she didn't like the way his clavicles and cheekbones jutted our far more than they had when she first met him. It was concerning, she noted, and Gerard didn't have the air to decline her worries.

All was well in the household until Mikey hesitantly sat Gerard down in the living room to remind him of the older days. The teen years Gerard selectively chose to disregard because the path it lead him to caused him to spiral into misery he'd managed to heal from, if only for the most part. It wasn't so dramatic that he couldn't ever heal from it, and there was only himself to blame, but the sting would always linger no matter how much it dulled down compared to the moment it first split his chest down the middle. He struggled to keep it under control to the present day.

Mikey stayed in touch with Gerard's first love through the years. Of course they kept in contact, Gerard thought miserably, there was no such falling out between them and no real reason for them to drift unless neither of them wanted to make the effort. They were tightly knitted friends all along, he'd even been invited to Mikey's wedding, but he was unable to attend due to being in the middle of touring with his growing band across the states.

Gerard never imagined Mikey would go as far as to invite Frank Iero over to spend a week with him leading up to Christmas.

He'd occupy the third bedroom being set up as the nursery, but the air mattress was twin sized and luxurious enough for him to be comfortable. It was right beside Gerard's room, unlocking incredible unease and anxiousness in him he thought he buried after the catastrophe of bracing himself in case he'd cross paths with Frank at Mikey and Kristin's wedding. His first instinct was to argue, but he quickly realized it wasn't his place to decide who Mikey invited into his house. More than anything, the pleading look in his brother's eyes silenced him, and reminded Gerard that there was no reason for him to be bitter when the mess was all his own. Frank wasn't to blame for everything.

One could imagine the stillness starting in Gerard's body the evening Frank arrived. Mikey pushed him towards the door despite many protests and urged him to answer it before Frank froze into a solid block in the storm rumbling outside. His shaking hands had wretched the door open and now fumbled at his sides. His eyes enlarged to an uncanny size stared directly into Frank's that remained trained on his face, freezing over with emotions mirroring inside of Gerard.

Frank looked different. Obviously he did, no one stayed exactly the same through the course of six years. Maturity widened his jawline and drained the childlike roundness of his cheeks, but he was still soft in places Gerard remembered him being, and that would always stay the same as long as he was Frank Iero. The metal rings in his nose and lip disappeared and left small markings behind to remind Gerard of the way his piercings used to sparkle in the sunlight and press warmly into his flesh whenever they kissed. His hair, once shaved and bleached at the sides, was painted black and hung almost to his shoulders. His freckles at the bridge of his nose weren't as prominent anymore and his shoulders were broader, he wasn't a thin little thing with baby pudge just around his hips, he was built like a full adult— aside from being on the smaller scale, still standing 3 and a half inches lower than Gerard.

Snowflakes kissed his eyelashes and his hair. Frank's hazel eyes were still the color of melted sunshine seeping into the muddy grass in the meadows of spring. That was one thing Gerard nearly forgot about and being reminded was like receiving the sharpest blow to his stomach.

"Hi." Gerard choked out to break the growing silence.

Frank's lips twitched. He blinked twice, snowflakes falling to his cheeks. "Hey."

"It's been a while."

"Yeah. It has." Gerard's voice broke embarrassingly loudly. He got flustered immediately and stammered, his hands waving around. "Uh. Yeah."

"Frank!" Mikey called out from behind Gerard. Saved by the fucking bell. "You made it in one piece."

"I don't know how my flight wasn't cancelled." Frank looked behind him into the storm.

"The snow was unexpected." Mikey shoved Gerard's stiff form from the doorway. "Come in. You need help?"

"I've got it." Frank's eyes briefly flickered to Gerard and moved away as fast as they came. "Thank you, though."

"I'll show you to the guest room." Mikey shut the door after Frank walked in with his luggage rolling at his sides, his gloved hands gripping onto the handles. Mikey shot Gerard a dark look and Gerard sputtered, backing almost entirely into the living room.

"Hello!" Kristin stepped out from the kitchen, one hand on her belly and the other stuffed inside a kitchen mitten. "Oh, you made it safely, that's great. Mikey was worried."

"The plane ride was a little shaky, but I'm alive." Frank grinned sheepishly. "Long time no see, Kristin."

"Get over here." Kristin removed her kitchen mitten and moved in, surprising Frank by pulling him into a hug. "I thought I'd never see you again, guitar man. You're always working." Gerard was almost envious of the way they fell so effortlessly into their reunion. Almost.

"I cut myself a break." Frank drew back, his eyes lighting up. "You are so pregnant, holy shit!"

"Six months." Mikey said proudly from the mouth of the hallway, smiling subtly. "Time flies, doesn't it?"

"It feels like you told me you're gonna have a tiny little Way baby running around just yesterday." Frank looked up at Kristin hesitantly. "Can I feel?"

"Go ahead. Thanks for asking." Kristin warmly smiled.

Frank gently laid his hands on Kristin's stomach. He kept them still, starstruck by the mere appearance of her belly, until he and Kristin collectively gasped out loud.

"The baby kicked!" Frank laughed out loud, so familiarly that Gerard's stomach dropped. "Oh, she's feisty."

"Mikey, you told him the gender?" Kristin glared.

"I had to. I was too excited." Mikey rubbed the back of his neck. "Uh. Frank, let's get you situated before my wife murders me in cold blood."

"Good idea." Frank withdrew his hands and went to gather his luggage, following Mikey into the hallway while trying to conceal his grin.

Left with Kristin in the room, Gerard felt like he could breathe at last. He leaned against the wall, dizzy from holding his breath on and off. He expected to feel anxious, but the extent wasn't planned.

"You okay?" Kristin asked, moving over to Gerard with a look of concern creasing her thin brows.

"I will be." Gerard gulped. "I hope."

"I know this isn't really the best thing that's ever happened to you." Kristin sympathetically pursed her lip. "Maybe it won't be so bad after the first day."

"He's my ex. I don't think anyone can ever be comfortable around their ex after not seeing them for six years." Gerard forced his eyes not to stray to the hallway where the glow of the lights from Frank's room traveled down the dark floorboards.

"I tried to tell Mikey." Kristin sighed. "But . . . he just wants you two to talk."

"He can't meddle in something that's been dead for a long time." Gerard moved away from the wall. "That's just not how real life works." Retreating to his room, he shut the door behind him, and didn't plan to emerge until dinner was ready.

Dinner was an uncomfortable affair, but only in Gerard and Frank's perspective, it seemed. Kristin prepared a vegan potato leek soup to suit Frank's diet and to avoid feeding him ingredients he was unfortunately allergic to. The meal was spectacular and chased the cold from their bodies, but the heaviness in Gerard's stomach never ceased, clawing into his chest the longer he went accidentally meeting Frank's eyes and tearing his gaze away before they lingered for a moment too long.

They'd launched into a conversation all about Frank's career, being the frontman and guitarist of a band he'd pieced together with friends. His success was developing and Gerard recalled hearing the name of the band around, but he refused to listen to the music or search Frank up— he never had the heart to be so masochistic to himself. Hearing it at the dinner table felt like the spikes at his silverware in his hand dug into the tender flesh of his heart.

"Evan is crazy talented. That guy can scream like a fucking demon and he's so good at the guitar." Frank gushed about his band mate.

"Evan, isn't that Jamia's brother?" Mikey asked.

"Well, yeah." Frank shrugged. "Things didn't work out between her and I, but Evan was too good of a friend to let that get in the way."

Gerard was shocked to hear Frank was with a woman and Mikey had never mentioned it. He looked up, sharing a look with his brother who simply shrugged.

"That's a good way of thinking." Kristin interjected. "Especially if he's musically compatible with you."

"It's so much fucking fun getting to tour with my friends." Frank said swirling his spoon through the remains of his dinner. "It's like, you're all enjoying each other's company so much that it's not nearly as uncomfortable as touring with dudes you hired not that long ago."

"Don't you want to choke each other out at some point, though?" Kristin chuckled, sipping her iced tea.

"Well, it gets crowded, yeah, but I actually haven't sucker punched anyone this time." Frank released a belly laugh Gerard remembered not being able to resist when he was younger.

"So cool you get to do this, dude. I remember you wanted this so badly since we were kids." Mikey said in awe.

"Pretty sure I wanted it since the moment I came out of the womb." Frank giggled and sipped his drink. "My mom says I came out playing the air guitar."

"It must be so nice having a dream and seeing it come true." Kristin smiled at Frank, then trailed her gaze over to Gerard who stiffened slightly as he noticed Mikey's eyes fell on him the same way. "Gerard's off living his dream, too."

Heat blossomed behind Gerard's cheeks and colored in his face a vivid red. His heart began to race as the final pair of eyes he avoided all night trained on him. He curled his fingers around the edges of the dining chair. The last thing he wanted was to be the center of attention.

"Not exactly there yet." Gerard cleared his throat.

"Don't be modest." Kristin smiled. "Getting your comic book published is a huge accomplishment."

"You got published?" Frank's softened voice asked so hesitantly, sounding like he regretted interjecting towards the end.

Gerard, deciding he wouldn't be able to escape so soon, nodded slowly. "Y-yeah. Last month. I have the holidays off, but I've been going to signings and shit." The life was glamorous as he imagined, but he wasn't up to discussing it.

"The Umbrella Academy." Mikey said.

"No fucking way," Frank suddenly bolted to life. "The one you were working on all those years ago?"

Gerard was stunned to hear Frank remembered the name. He looked up finally, and the second he met his eyes, his throat tightened up.

"I didn't know you remembered that."

"I kept my eye out for it." Frank looked around the table. "No one told me about that."

"I don't think anyone thought you'd really care to hear about it anymore."

"Why would you think that?"

"It might have to do with the fact that we haven't talked in years and you'd made it clear before you didn't have time for that." Gerard stunned himself by his words that would've come off as stained in bitterness if he wasn't so feathery light as his voice betrayed him.

Frank opened his mouth to respond, but found himself at a loss of words, and ended up pursing his lips into a thin line. He dropped his eyes onto the table cloth and fell silent. From beside him, Gerard saw Mikey shoot him a disappointed look, but Gerard hadn't been able to help the comment from slipping. Kristin sighed silently, setting down her spoon into the porcelain bowl at her place setting.

"I'm sorry." Gerard managed to spit out, sounding strangled. "You know— I have a huge headache, I think I should just take a shower and head to bed early tonight."

"It's only eight." Mikey rose his eyebrows.

"Yeah, well. I'm tired." Gerard clumsily scooted out from his place and gathered his plate, dumping everything carefully into the sink before quickly retreating to the restroom to practically drown himself under the stream of scalding water hoping it would erase all thoughts of the past from his jumbled mind.

They were seventeen years old when they came clean to each other about their feelings. They'd been dancing around topic of romance like two oblivious idiots urging their mutual friends to tell them if one had mentioned the other at any point that day. One was punk rock and hilarious and tightly knit with his family, the other was antisocial and artsy with a closer relationship to his brother than either one of his parents, though he loved them both dearly. Friendship was easy to maintain until it wasn't, and their first kiss when Frank couldn't take not being certain and demanded to know if Gerard wanted him unfurled the inseparable bond of a passionate first love.

Gerard never loved anyone the way he loved Frank. He was the one who taught him how to play guitar in exchange for art lessons, and the person who showed Gerard the many values of life, all the reasons why there was always something to find happiness in during the most miserable times. Their relationship hadn't been perfection by any means and they'd met one tragic split lasting for two entire months, but their magnetism and love burning in their hearts guided them back towards one another. They fit together naturally as if it was something meant to happen, but Gerard wasn't as much of a fool for destiny as Frank was, and was always plagued with fears that it was only a temporary lesson in life, a fleeting experience he couldn't forget even if he wanted to. He struggled now allowing those insecurities to prevent him from being the person Frank needed of him, his own instinct was to protect and cherish Frank just like he always did for Gerard.

Frank had always known he was destined to perform. Rock and roll traveled through his veins as though he injected it into his bloodstream every evening, the grittiness of the scene and the violence stirring within all collected to build a natural talent he discovered when his fingers slid along the chords of a guitar.

Gerard, on the other hand, was an artist, and no presence in his life ever doubted that when they first witnessed his flourishing hands guiding a pencil along paper to bring beauty and art to life seemingly effortlessly. His heart was bound to study art and become the creator of a tale he brought to life with ink and colors filling in the shapes of characters.

When adulthood arrived, neither one of them imagined chasing their passion would be the reason why their love was severed. Differences in longings and plans for the future conflicted with them and caused a stir that often set them off into long arguments leaving them doubting whether or not they could survive the strain. Both were stubborn and couldn't find a way to fit their relationship into the spaces where their dreams lived on. The fights were messy, usually; Frank was an asshole who said things that stung more than necessary and Gerard wasn't willing to accept they were no longer lovestruck teenagers who only needed each other to be fully content in life.

Gerard's swear that his fears were coming true, his discontentment, and inevitable feeling of no longer being good enough for the person he felt slipping through the cracks of his fingers lead to him breaking off their relationship. Frank appeared less and less those days, leaving behind an empty apartment and stewing anger combined with looming terror ravaging Gerard slowly on the inside. He packed his things, stormed off to Mikey's house, and didn't resurface until Frank stopped by to drop off a few minor items he'd left behind. Unspoken words passed between them when their eyes met that final time-- the invisible plea for that not to be the end, but the knowledge that neither of them could be fully happy if they continued on by holding each other back. Gerard shut the door as Frank began to speak to save themselves the grief. To the present day, he still believed it was better that he never let him speak. Whatever he said would've convinced Gerard to give fate another chance only to see their downfall, and they'd turn their backs loathing each other. Gerard preferred to turn away before it reached the point of hatred. In a funny way, he saved them.

It was difficult moving on, but the feat wasn't impossible. Gerard spent a few months drinking too much and sleeping with men who showed him kindness and genuine interest in everything he had to offer, but he couldn't give them his heart because deep down within him, he knew Frank would always hold ownership over it, and if not all, then the tender pieces that mattered most. As ridiculous as it sounded, and hypocritical since he'd been the one to bring the end to everything they were, Gerard could never remove the foul taste at the back of his tongue, the emptiness he felt during Frank's absence, the loss of self worth and the broken heart he never fully recovered from. Still, there was a looming sense of guilt that always crushed down onto his shoulders like gravity emitting from the universe took revenge on him.

Gerard laid awake in the early morning after his small incident at dinner experiencing that familiar guilt each time he was finished pitying himself. He groaned to think how uncomfortable he must've made everyone feel, not to mention Frank who didn't deserve to feel the lash of his pathetic hurting he still carried with him despite nothearing a thing from Frank in years.

Getting up out of bed, Gerard took the time to wash his face and brush his teeth, patting his hair down as best as he could. He changed out of his pajamas and into something comfortable enough for the house, but nothing too raggedy. Trudging out to the kitchen, the silence let him know Kristin and Mikey were still asleep, but he hadn't expected or been prepared to find Frank quietly sitting at the table, a mug sitting across from him as he stared out the window at the earth blanketed in thick snow.

At first, Gerard thought he should silently retreat to his room and wait for the house to come alive to avoid being with Frank alone, but another rush of guilt washed over him suddenly enough to control his legs. He stepped out into the kitchen area, clearing his throat quietly.

Frank looked up with raised eyebrows, possibly expecting either Mikey or Kristin, but when his eyes met Gerard's, his shoulders tensed up the slightest bit.

"Uh. Hey." Gerard awkwardly greeted him.

Frank curled his hand around his mug. His gaze flickered around the room nervously, his lip tucking beneath his teeth. "Morning, Gerard."

It had been a long time since Gerard heard Frank's voice wrapping around his name. He shuffled his feet, ignoring the nostalgia that came with the simple sound of Frank speaking. His voice deepened some, but never descended past the clear stages of youth.

"How long have you been awake?" Gerard turned towards the coffee maker to avoid looking at Frank.

"About an hour, I think." Frank answered, sounding certain of his response. "I get up early these days."

Gerard looked towards the clock, realizing Frank must've gotten up at around seven in the morning. "Oh. I guess I do, too."

Silence spilled over them as Gerard retrieved a mug and began setting up the coffee pod inside the machine for brewing. He hesitated, rolling another pod between his palms for a moment. "Do you want another coffee or do you still have some?"

"Oh." Frank said in surprise. "I'll take another if you're offering. Thanks."

"Yeah. Just—" Gerard cut off his question as he turned around and saw Frank had already risen from his seat and was approaching him with the his fingers wrapped around the handle of his mug. Even to exchange something so mundane, they stood a cautious amount of distance away from each other, and their eyes flickered back and forth between their gazes and where their hands were moving.

Gerard plucked the mug from Frank's hand and went to wait for his own coffee before he began preparing Frank's. The sound of the steaming liquid filling the porcelain cup did almost nothing to remove the heavy silence cutting through the atmosphere. Gerard's heart beat faster and he leaned across the counter, swallowing with a tight throat.

"It's been a while since I've seen Mikey." Frank initiated small talk, making Gerard cringe when he couldn't see him.

"Been busy?" Gerard turned his head slightly.

"Yeah. Really busy." Frank sighed. "I've been unintentionally neglecting my friends."

Gerard didn't appreciate the sway of their conversation's movement. He winced slightly, focusing solely on his cup being filled by coffee. "That'll happen when you're in a band."

"Yeah." Frank trailed off. Gerard didn't need to turn to look at him to know he was cracking his knuckles and playing with his fingers the way he tended to do when he was nervous or feeling uncomfortable. In their scenario, he more than likely experienced both emotions.

"You still take your coffee the same?" Gerard asked when his brew was complete and he was moving onto Frank's mug.

"Yes." Frank said, and together, they both said, "Black with one packet of sugar."

The stillness following their synchronized response made Gerard's breath hitch. He still remembered after all the days he'd spent getting coffee with Frank before their classes, trips to coffee shops to reward themselves with breaks after focusing so hard on their studies.

"I didn't expect you to actually remember that." Frank's breathy chuckle made Gerard's chest clench.

"Old habit." Gerard mumbled. He squeezed his eyes shut at the sound of his tone, realizing he was repeating his attitude from last night. He set the coffee to brew and gathered himself, rubbing the side of his face as he slowly turned around.

Frank stood with his back against the counter, toying with his hands exactly the way Gerard pictured in his head. He looked awfully small without layers of jackets locking his warmth in during a frozen storm, and his disheveled hair reminded Gerard of mornings where he'd wake up to Frank peacefully drooling on his chest, deeply lost in slumber. Gerard lost all of his anger in one second.

"Frank," Gerard licked his lips beginning to chap from the cold and dry weather. "I'm sorry. For what I said last night."

Frank looked up in surprise. His hands twitched, then one balled up into a fist, fitting into his open palm he ground his knuckles into before he relaxed his hands and toyed with his thumbs. Color filled his cheeks.

"Don't even," Frank huffed, "Don't even apologize. You don't need to."

"I said something that made me sound like a dickhead and I made you uncomfortable." Gerard twisted at the red strands of his hair. "I can't get away with that."

"I promise, it's fine." Frank focused on a small crack in the tile floor.

"You don't have to say it's fine if it's not."

"No, it is. I mean it." Frank swallowed. "I . . . I get it. Why you said what you did."

Gerard's stomach plummeted. "You do?" He stammered.

Frank's tongue peeked out and nervously swiped along his lips. He looked up at Gerard through his hair that fell away from where it was tucked behind his ear to curtain in front of his eyes. "I do. That's why I didn't say anything back. Gerard, I—"

The sound of a door opening in the hallway interrupted Frank's sentence. Their eyes widened, and although Gerard was tempted for a fleeting second to plead Frank to continue, he refrained when the sound of footsteps moved towards the kitchen.

"Good morning, everyone." Kristin said as she entered the room, beaming with her hands cradling her belly. Mikey trailed behind her, smiling as a silent greeting.

"Morning." Gerard and Frank said in unison. Their eyes flickered towards each other and away in a second.

Gerard quickly turned and gathered Frank's mug after the stream of coffee had long since filled it. He gripped a packet of sugar from the jar beside the coffee maker and dumped the contents inside, stirring it with a spoon.

"Uh, you guys want coffee?" Gerard asked, offering the mug to Frank without looking at him.

"I'm not supposed to drink too much caffeine, but one cup after a long time won't hurt." Kristin thanked Gerard by patting his cheek on her way to the fridge.

"Sure. Thanks, dude." Mikey nodded thankfully, taking a seat at the table.

Frank retreated over to where Mikey was seated, sinking down and wordlessly sipping from his coffee until Mikey initiated the conversation.

Gerard couldn't stop his mind from attempting to guess what Frank might've said if they hadn't interrupted. He was strangely eager to hear it, leaving a sickening feeling high in his stomach, but he disregarded it for the time being as Kristin waggled boxed pancake batter in the air and announced she would be preparing breakfast that morning.

Gerard wasn't sure how he'd survive spending an entire week under the same roof as Frank.

The third day after Frank arrived, there had already been countless awkward incident results in Gerard wishing he could crawl back into his home, submerge under his sheets, and sink into endlessly hibernation if it meant he never had to deal with confrontation again. Not to mention the negativity biting at the back of his brain whenever he observed how happily Mikey and Kristin were married, the joy their unborn child granted both of them. He recalled a time where he imagined he'd find himself slipping a ring into Frank's fingers and setting out to take a child looking for a family into their lives. He was glad to see his brother so happy, but the jealously lingering at the edges of every thought kept him wondering if staying so long was a mistake.

Before Kristin and Mikey went out to grab groceries that day, Mikey pulled Gerard aside where no one could tune into their conversation. He'd taken Gerard by surprise; he'd barely been walking out of his room with bed hair and Snoopy slippers with a red hair dye stain.

"Dude, I'm not awake enough." Gerard groaned.

"We're leaving in a minute, I just need to talk to you for a second." Mikey sounded serious enough to scare Gerard a bit despite his morning crankiness.

Gerard sighed and leaned against the wall. "What?"

"Gerard. Can you just, cut the shit with Frank?" Mikey sounded exasperated.

Gerard immediately sprung awake. He gestured wildly, a confused noise coming out. "What shit?"

"It's really fucking awkward and uncomfortable between you two. It's like watching an old married couple trying to act like they can stand each other when they can't."

Gerard made another noise, his eyes wide. His first instinct was to get upset beside his bewilderment. "What did you expect bringing my ex here? I'm trying."

"He's my best friend, G. He's gonna be around more times in the future. You need to get used to it."

"How the fuck do I just — God, don't confront me like this before I even get a chance to make coffee." Gerard whined.

"Just try harder."

"Yeah, well did you tell him the same thing?" Gerard asked indignantly.

"He's doing way better than you. You're acting like mom's ancient chihuahua."

Gerard went to deny Mikey's statement, but when he skimmed over the past few days, Gerard wavered as he realized Mikey was speaking the truth. Frank made an attempt to normally make conversation hesitantly involving Gerard, not eyeballing him resentfully or casually ignoring his presence so he wouldn't need to face his past baggage. Meanwhile, Gerard could admit he was being more hostile than needed, but it was a defense mechanism he couldn't help. It was like his finger was permanently pressed against an invisible trigger in his brain.

Gerard sighed heavily and rubbed his eyes, frowning. "Yeah, I know."

"Be civil. What happened between you two really sucks and I'm sorry, man, but it's Christmas." Mikey lightened up a bit and even gave a bit of sympathy.

"Fine. I'll try not to act like Twinkie anymore." Gerard grimaced to think he reminded Mikey of the snarling beast his mother owned. "Just catch me when the Snoopy slippers are not on."

"Gerard." Mikey looked unimpressed.

"I get it, I get it." Gerard grumbled and trudged off to the restroom feeling slightly clueless as to how he was going to wrangle in his emotions enough to not ruin the Christmas spirit for his family and Frank.

Gerard attempted to drown out his thoughts by sitting on the outdoor patio to sketch once he was appropriately dressed and full of coffee. The air was frigidly cold and it made it nearly impossible to maneuver a pencil across paper, but he managed, sticking to simplicity while burrowed in a thick jacket and a colorful scarf matching the scarlet of his hair. The peace was just beginning to set in when the sound of sliding door made Gerard tense.

Frank stepped outside, wrapped up in a dark coat and skeleton gloves Gerard almost gasped at when he noticed them. He remembered gifting those to Frank on his nineteenth birthday. They were coming undone in some places, the paint of the white bones cracked and graying.

Noticing Gerard, Frank hesitated at the doorway. "Shit. I didn't know you were out here."

Gerard slowly put down his pencil, forcing his eyes not to focus on Frank's gloves. _Civil_ , he reminded himself. "It's fine. I haven't been here for long." That didn't sound snarky, thankfully, even if he was panicking internally.

Frank tugged at his sleeve so it slipped almost entirely over his hand. "Mikey and Kristin went to get groceries for Christmas. They won't be back for another hour or so."

"Yeah, Mikey told me." Gerard cleared his throat.

Frank lingered in the doorway, looking like he was struggling to make a decision. "Hey, I don't mean to disturb your peace, but I kinda need to sit out here for like, ten minutes."

Gerard, puzzled by the oddly selective timeframe, wrinkled his brows. "Ten minutes?"

"I have a really bad vitamin D deficiency." Frank scratched at the back of his head, his cheeks coloring. "The doctor says I need to do all sorts of shit to make it go away. Getting sunlight is one of the main things."

Gerard faintly recalled Frank's sickliness and let it slip from his tongue before he could stop it. "Your immune system still isn't the best, I'm guessing."

Frank ducked his head sheepishly. "No." He chuckled once, soft and a little self deprecating.

"You won't disturb me." Gerard said, surprised to find it was true. "I'm just drawing."

"Thanks." Frank whispered and drew the door shut at last. He moved out onto the patio, stuffing his hands into his pockets, and moved to the end of the concrete slab to lean against one of the wooden pillars holding the shade up. The sunlight cut through the shadows at the edge and shone a golden light down on Frank.

Gerard resented that he was still struck by inspiration when he looked at Frank. Many people inspired him in various ways, but it was always different with Frank. He was beautiful in a way only an artist like himself couldn't shake from their mind.

Sighing, Gerard looked down at his unfinished drawing he no longer held any interest in. Despite feeling empty, he shaded in the places he'd planned to perfect before Frank stepped out, trying his hardest not to erase the little flaws and keep reshaping them until they suddenly took the form of Frank soaking in the sunlight. God, they may have been well over, but Gerard wasn't immune to a beautiful person. A beautiful person who still made Gerard's insides scramble to the point where he wasn't sure if he wanted to bury his head in the sand like an ostrich or to passionately kiss them while dipping them backwards like a scene out of a black and white romance film.

"You know what I think is pretty neat about having to do this?" Frank asked suddenly.

Gerard looked up. "What?"

Frank turned to press his back against the pillar and his head was angled to look at Gerard with a subtle smile twisting his insides into knots. "I used to fucking hate going outside. Now, I kinda like it."

Gerard related heavily to not appreciating having to step out for longer than necessary. He didn't detest it, though, and he knew it was better after the first initial step outdoors than the way he imagined it would be.

"It's not bad getting used to certain things." Gerard ghosted the tip of his pencil over his paper without creating any markings.

"No, it's not." Frank tilted his head back to gaze up at the sky. "I think I'm getting old. I'm gonna end up going for early morning strolls like the older folks do."

Gerard couldn't help his lips twisting up into a small smile. When Frank looked back at him and noticed it, he smiled wider, and hid it away behind his hair.

"We're both twenty-nine. That's not old." Gerard reminded him.

"Wait 'til you hit thirty. It's downhill from then on." Frank kicked lightly at a pebble lying near his feet.

"Are my bones gonna shatter when I walk?"

"Abso-fucking-lutely."

"I'm not afraid of aging." Gerard slowly set his pencil down with a faint smile. "It must be nice knowing you've made it that long."

Frank's brows shot up, stunned by Gerard's words. "Damn, G Way. Where did all the angst go?"

Gerard's lips parted slightly to hear the reappearance of an old nickname he hadn't heard in years. It was simple, but the fondness carried behind the way it was delivered held a special sentiment he thought he'd never hear again. He shifted in his seat, unsure of how to respond without letting Frank know how he'd been affected. It's like his brain disconnected and Gerard heard a high pitched wail go off in his head. He was seconds away from sprinting and getting the hell out of there. The reason why he avoided Frank as much as possible was to prevent feeling anything again, because he knew he would just by meeting his eyes across the room or hearing his laughter so nearby.

"I guess I'm all grown up now." Gerard cleared his throat. "Aren't you?"

Frank hummed. His lips spread into a secret smile as he stared down at his feet. "No. Not really. But, I'm not a little shit everyone wants to beat up anymore."

"Not _everyone_ wanted to beat you up." Gerard could see the maturity in Frank's stance, the loss of chaotic energy exuding from splitting grins and wildfires setting off in huge eyes. There was something familiar that lingered despite the loss of his old tendency to be a hurricane inside a human body.

"Not constantly, but I bet there were moments." Frank sounded like he took pride in it.

They fell quiet for a moment, until Frank turned to fully face Gerard, observing him in a way making Gerard clutch tightly into his pencil again in case he needed to make it seem as though he didn't notice the embers glowing in Frank's eyes.

"I never imagined you with red hair before." Frank suddenly said.

Gerard looked between the drawing spread out on the table and back at Frank who wasn't dropping his gaze. The alarms started blaring loudly in his head. "I . . . I never imagined you without piercings."

Frank's finger immediately went to touch the small scar beneath his lower lip. Fuck, his lips were still pretty. He smiled and let his hand fall away. "Some change is necessary."

"I agree." Gerard unconsciously raked a hand through his hair.

Frank followed the movement with his eyes. "I like it on you."

Gerard wasn't sure how to respond through a blush spoiling his cool demeanor. He fell silent, focusing on his drawing. How the hell could he answer? Was Frank flirting or was it a platonic compliment? Gerard didn't realize they'd hit the platonic stage after being so cautious near each other just the other day.

"Thanks." Gerard managed to force through frozen lips. "You— you look nice with longer hair." Dammit, he wasn't supposed to flirt back.

"Thank you." Frank touched a strand of his hair, barely concealing his blush by brushing it into his face.

Gerard couldn't resist asking. It was now an open can of worms. "What else have you been up to? Aside from touring."

Frank twisted himself around with a sigh, the sunlight capturing the clean pieces of his hair and the squint of his eyes looking up towards the sky. "It's, you know, been alright. I have an apartment that isn't the size of a fuckin' cereal box. I've made good friends, cut down a lot on the parties, and I've started a collection of vintage band shirts. I've always wanted to do that, now I can."

"Records too." Gerard faintly recalled.

Frank's lopsided smile pointed towards Gerard. "Yeah. I have crates full of them. I went to a garage sale one day and found a whole box of oldies records. I've been letting them spin, they're in great condition."

"God, what a good find." Gerard said slightly enviously.

"Right? I forgot how much I really love oldies. Remember when I told you I grew up listening to all those old groups?"

"Yes, I do. Cleaning days." Gerard chuckled.

"Cleaning days! Dinner parties, too. They all have a special memory attached to them." Frank curiously glanced over Gerard. "How about you? You're actually a professional comic writer now."

Gerard's cheeks tinted a shade similar to his hair to his embarrassment. He ducked his head and scratched the side of his neck as a habit. "I guess I am, ha. I've been so into work that I don't have much time for anything else. I have my own place, and I'm remodeling my art studio so I can remember art is for pleasure, too."

"There's no Mr or Mrs. Way shouting at you to pick up your paint brushes?" Frank asked, covering up his genuine interest with a teasing sparkle in his eyes. Gerard yelped internally and looked away.

"No," Gerard murmured, "I haven't really . . . been around. I'm just not focusing on that stuff, I guess." He instantly regretted not making up an imaginary wife or husband, someone incredibly attractive with an impeccable music taste and a penchant for art just to see how Frank would react to that. He kicked himself for a moment.

"Hmm." Frank hummed understandingly, and thankfully, switched the subject. "You happen to have any copies with you?"

Slightly taken aback, Gerard's eyes widened. "Not — not on me. No. You can ask Mikey to borrow his if you're really interested?"

"Oh, right. Why didn't I think of that?" Frank's laugh came as easily as the breeze. "I'll snoop around for it."

"It's also available in comic shops."

"Ah, I haven't been to those in so long. That's probably why I didn't know." Frank trailed off. "I know we haven't talked, but it would've been nice to pick up a copy the day it came it."

Gerard blinked. "Really?"

Frank softened and looked away. "Yeah. I always told you I'd be one of your biggest supporters."

Gerard's throat tightened and dried. At the tugging in his heart, he was speechless, and if he had words to say, he'd rather not let them out. He swallowed hard, almost choking on it. He only nodded, tearing his eyes away from Frank's face before he was given the chance to think about how beautiful he looked bathed in the sunlight. Gerard pinned his focus on his art and stayed that way until Frank retreated back inside, but not without lightly grazing Gerard's shoulder with a ghosting touching of his hand.

Later that evening, at dinner with a freshly baked vegan lasagna set at the table and served in even portions onto their plates, Gerard was forced to be seated right beside Frank as Mikey shot him a look from the corner of his eye and sank down beside Kristin before he had the chance to claim the seat. Gerard supposed his cheeks were as red as the color staining his hair when he sank down and attempted not to focus on how he could easily reach across and brush his ankle across Frank's the way he did during their younger days. His presence gave off a current fizzling in the air that Gerard gathered all of his will to ignore. He actually prayed, something he didn't do, practically yanking at God's ankles while sobbing on the ground for some mercy.

Frank, dressed in a cotton long-sleeve, pushed his sleeves up for forearms to eat comfortably as they tended to fall over his hands. When his skin was revealed, Gerard couldn't help his jaw dropping as he discovered both of Frank's arms and hands were covered in colorful tattoos curling along his flesh.

"Holy fucking shit." Gerard gasped out in the middle of dinner.

"Language?" Kristin giggled, shocked by Gerard's sudden use of swear words.

"I'm sorry." Gerard quickly apologized. He turned to Frank who stared at him in confusion, arching one eyebrow when their eyes met. "I just — you have a shit load of tattoos."

Frank's eyes lit up and all confusion faded. "I do! I'm almost completely covered now."

Gerard's eyes widened. "Seriously?"

"Seriously. I like how it feels." Frank ran his fingers along his forearm. "And how it looks, obviously."

"You were so bare the last time I saw you."

"Six years is a long time." Frank shrugged. "I've been slowly getting more and more."

"He gets a new tattoo almost every month." Mikey snorted.

"I can't help myself." Frank grinned, running his fingertips along the inside of his wrist.

"I didn't think you'd actually . . ." Gerard trailed off. A forgotten memory rose to the front of his mind, one of Frank completely covering his arms in sharpie drawings and pleading Gerard to create a design on the empty space at his upper arm. He'd wanted tattoos so badly then, but he was far too young to get them, and neither one of his parents would sign a paper to consent to him getting inked at his age.

"Go through with getting all tatted up?" Frank said what he assumed the rest of Gerard's question was.

"Yeah." Gerard breathed. One piece imbedded in Frank's skin in particular caught his eye. His eyes practically bulged out of his skull. "Frank. You did _not_ get that tattooed."

Inked in glorious colors and uniquely curved lines was a drawing Gerard recalled well now that he was faced with it again, rising from a temporary grave and giving off a phantom sensation in Gerard's right hand like he just completed the personalized drawing at twenty years old all over again. The Lady of Sorrows tattoo stared back at him vividly on Frank's forearm, a nearly forgotten design he imagined would be disregarded after his relationship with Frank ended.

Frank followed Gerard's eyes and blushed brightly when he realized what he referred to. He twisted his arm slightly for Gerard to get a better view of the skulls mounted at the inked woman's feet, the swords piercing through her heart bathing in orange flames centered on the outside of her chest. Every detail was unchanged. Gerard was panicking again.

"She was too beautiful not to get her done." Frank said softly. "You spent a long time thinking of what to draw for me."

Gerard couldn't believe his eyes and ears. Unconsciously, and to his later regret, Gerard's hand lifted to silently ghost his fingers along the tattoo resting on Franks skin. He felt the way goosebumps formed under his touch, thin hairs rising to greet the very tips of his fingers, yet he couldn't push past the dangerous feeling stirring in his heart to draw his hand away and become sensible again. Frank was still soft, Gerard recklessly thought. He heard Frank's quiet intake of breath sharply blowing through his teeth. Silence shrouded the entire table and didn't stop until Mikey cleared his throat.

"I know you're obsessed with tattoos, Gerard, but please don't grope Frank at the table." Mikey sighed.

Gerard snatched his hand back like he'd been burned. "I wasn't groping him." He said far more defensively than what was called for.

"It's fine, Mikey." Frank tried to say softly, but the edge creeping into his voice made Gerard's gut twist.

Gerard couldn't chase the thought from his mind; Frank tattooed Gerard's drawing into his skin even after they'd split. It was hard to decipher what that meant or if it held any meaning at all, it could've been a matter of Frank being in love with the drawing and not necessarily feeling anything in regards to the artist. The point was, Gerard's art was permanently inked onto Frank's skin, and it would remain there forever as even the smallest reminder of his existence when Frank looked in the mirror. Something about that rekindled a curl of warmth wrapping around Gerard's distressed heart.

"You know," Frank started up quietly, "if you ever wanna know about any of them, you can just ask."

Gerard curled his hands into loose fists, fingertips brushing along the humid inside of his palms. "Normally people don't like it when I show interest in their tattoos. Something about how they should be self explanatory."

"I'm me though." The corner of Frank's mouth tilted up. "I'm saying you can ask about them any time because I don't mind."

"Don't get him started." Mikey shattered the moment with his interjection. "He'll want to know everything about all of them."

"Mikey." Kristin lightly rebuked him and Gerard shrunk down in his seat.

"I like talking about them." Frank said in Gerard's defense. "I don't get why people have tattoos if they get snippy when someone asks about them. I get it if they're, like, being an asshole and judging you, but if there's no harm in someone asking what something means."

"That's what I always say." Gerard softly agreed, relieved to find someone else shared his thoughts as an admirer of all forms of art.

"You like just art." Frank's expression because much more open when he turned to Gerard again. "I get that."

Gerard was only slightly alleviated, but the lingering thoughts plaguing him with unwanted discomfort and unease after going as far as touching Frank without his permission prevented him from finding any calm.

When dinner was long over and everyone retreated to their rooms, Gerard managed to catch Frank just in time before he shut his door. He reached out and lightly grazed his wrist for the smallest second before drawing his hand away so Frank wouldn't think much of it, if he was anything like Gerard. Frank turned around, a questioning look entering his expression.

"Hey," Gerard shuffled and hunched slightly. "Before we turn in for the night, I thought I should say something."

Frank's eyes widened. "Is it bad?"

"No, no, not really." Gerard scratched the side of his neck.

"Go ahead." Frank planted himself in the doorway in preparation to listen to Gerard.

Gerard took in a deep breath. "I'm sorry for being weird at dinner."

"Weird how?" Frank was genuinely puzzled and that tore Gerard apart in his already anxious state.

"I . . . you know. Touched you. I got up in your personal space." Gerard coughed into his fist.

"Gerard, if this is about those comments Mikey made, don't listen to him. I told you it was fine."

"I know you did, but I . . ." Gerard struggled to speak. He felt so idiotic and small, he'd punch himself if he could, but he had something to apologize for sincerely. "I didn't mean to overstep any boundaries."

Frank kept up with his puzzled expression at first, but it soon twisted into one making Gerard feel as though he was a mad man.

"Overstep any— Gerard, you've quite literally fucked me up the ass." Frank's brows drew together.

Gerard sputtered. His heart dropped into his stomach, not expecting such a blunt response, and sparks of shock burst hotly under his skin. Who the fuck just said something like that? Better yet, how the fuck could you respond?

"Frank," Gerard hissed, "That's not— that's not even— things are different now." He clarified. His face glowed bright red and he hoped the shadows in the dark hallway kept that factor hidden.

The line between Frank's sculpted brows smoothed over and his face slowly fell. Before Gerard could take in anything else, he was turning towards the door, blinking away whatever swirled in his eyes.

"I get it. It's fine, you don't have to apologize for anything." Frank pursed his lips.

Gerard wasn't sure if he was being genuine. He lingered, running nervous hands through his hair. "You're sure?"

"Positive." Frank settled for biting down on his lip. "I'm glad you saw that tattoo, anyway."

It was Gerard's turn to be puzzled. "What?"

"I'm glad you saw it." Frank repeated, and moved to clarify the meaning of that. "So you know that I never forgot about you the way you think I did."

Gerard felt his heart sink so low that he imagined it spilled to the floor and shattered in small shards scattering at Frank's feet. Taken aback by Frank's response, all of the breath in Gerard's lungs escaped. He was suddenly twenty three again and wondering why he stuck around if Frank was content to live his life without Gerard and so forgetful for the things that meant the world to them before everything changed. There were many words that wanted to escape, but all of them caught under his tongue, festering there.

"Goodnight, Gerard." Frank sighed. "It's Christmas Eve tomorrow. Your gift to yourself should be not feeling like you need to apologize so much."

He slowly went to shut the door, leaving Gerard flailing over the realization that Frank still had power over his heart because it never really left his grip in the first place. It was as if the door was swinging shut in slow motion, every other sound drowned out by the pounding of his heart in his ears. He breathing quickened, though he gained control of it by letting it catch and hold still for a moment. Controlling his breathing patterns somehow caused him to lose his grip over the writhing heart drumming away in his ribcage and reminding him of two conflicting memories, one of being kissed for the first time by the pair of lips he always desired and another of sliding down against a wall in tears to realize something precious shattered at his feet. Gerard's heart impulsive while trying to heal, his weakness, and in that moment, it seized control.

Gerard's hand shot out to grab the frame of the door before Frank had the chance to shut it. Frank froze the second he realized Gerard was silently asking for another moment of his time. Silence swelled between them for a solid moment. Then, Frank opened the door all the way again, his large eyes shining with questions and his lips slightly parted in preparation to speak if Gerard didn't go to do it first.

"I'm not tired." Gerard stammered. He wasn't sure what he was thinking, or what he was doing, but he couldn't bring himself to be alone with his thoughts. He was selfish, craving Frank's presence after everything was done, and creating a miniature disaster by letting his heart lead the way. How fucked was that? Some part of him didn't care as long as he was allotted a moment of Frank's time.

Frank considered Gerard's statement and the ambiguous sound of it. They studied each other with a cautious space between them. Gerard's heart rose into his throat and he quickly swallowed it down. It sank down lower than he anticipated and his entire body trembled from how violently it hammered.

"You think coffee at this hour is unreasonable?" Frank asked. Leaving all options open for Gerard to choose from.

It was late, and the time would only continue to trickle by, but Gerard knew the question wasn't only about a warm beverage. His teeth dug into his lower lip, almost tearing through the skin. He wasn't as strong as he assumed.

"No." Gerard rasped.

Frank nodded. He went inside the room and grabbed a coat hanging over the bedpost. He shrugged it on and Gerard backed out of the way. He quietly retrieved his own coat, slipping on an appropriate pair of shoes, and grabbed his car keys. He met Frank in the hallway and they silently whisked away to his car on the breath of a wordless agreement.

The drive-through was more favorable than embarking in the freezing weather in search of a shop open at that hour. Gerard sensed they preferred sitting in the front of the vehicle parked somewhere nearly barren of other cars with paper cups of warm coffee in their hands. Gerard's chilled fingers wrapped tightly around the drink and felt the heat soaking through his skin pleasantly, some tingles playing through the tips and sinking down under. The radio played at a hushed volume in the background, traditional Christmas ballads and homely winter love songs accompanying them.

Despite the silence, it wasn't awkward. There was faint tension accumulating, but it wasn't violent or unsettling, it felt oddly familiar. Gerard watched tiny snowflakes randomly flutter on the windshield as he soaked in Frank's presence beside him. From the corner of his eye, he saw Frank was watching the twirling snowflakes land as well, his eyes tracing the path as they melted and slid across the glass. The heater gently blew warm air towards them to keep the cold out. Gerard glanced at himself in the review mirror, spotting the redness in his cheeks and the wideness of his eyes, like being with Frank somehow made him regress to the younger age where Gerard spent all of his time with him. He shoved a lock of hair behind his ear and looked away from himself. There were some things he couldn't regress to, but he wasn't sure if he was so capable of staying unfeeling. Some things couldn't repeat themselves, and that was okay, because Gerard would relearn many things about Frank while holding onto a forced neutral mask until he began believing nothing existed between them anymore. His heart wouldn't tie itself in painful knots at the sight of him for much longer.

"Do you remember my grandmother?" Frank asked quietly so the silence wasn't brutally broken.

Gerard's eyes quickly darted over to him and turned back. "I do."

"She passed away a few years ago." Frank's voice took a dispirited note remembering the ache he learned to move on from.

Gerard hadn't felt that ache, the shock of learning of something that was such a deep shame he almost felt like Frank's grandmother was a part of him as well. He remembered her, a kind woman welcoming Gerard into her home on Thanksgiving, who baker homemade pumpkin pie just for him to try it even though she didn't cook often anymore due to stiff, aching hands.

"Really?" Gerard whispered softly.

Frank nodded without meeting his eyes. He scraped at the tab at his drink, shadows from the evening and the streetlights casting across his face.

"Fuck. I'm so — god, I'm so sorry, Frank. Man, that's . . . that's awful." Gerard remembered the pain of losing a grandmother well, the sense that something was missing he couldn't ever get back. He sympathized deeply with Frank.

"It's fine. People die, right? Even when we wish they wouldn't." Frank sighed quietly. "I had time to grieve. It doesn't hurt so much anymore."

"I know, but still. I'm sorry. She was so sweet." Gerard's chest felt heavy from the weight suddenly resting on it.

"She was. I appreciated it a lot when you were just as nice to her as she was to you." Frank faintly chuckled. "I wanna show you something."

Gerard raised a questioning brow, and Frank's eyes met his for a fleeting moment. Frank wedged his coffee into the vacant cup holder between the seats. He squirmed in his seat, twisting around so he was facing Gerard, and he undid the constricting seatbelt for mobility. Shoving up the sleeve of his jacket and thermal at his right arm, Frank bared the inked skin of his forearm, and held it out against the spotlight of the street lamp flooding into the car for the tattoo pieces to be visible to Gerard in the darkness. As Gerard inspected his arm closely with newfound curiosity, he found the face of his grandmother took residence there, he memory imprinted eternally onto his skin. Gerard looked into her artfully inked eyes and swore he could still see the shine within her wrinkled grin, the warmth of her soul exuding from her unabashed gaze always remaining locked to the eyes of whoever she spoke to.

"That's beautiful." Gerard whispered. He peered up at Frank who watched him with a trace of a smile ghosting along his lips.

"It felt right to pay her my respects somehow." Frankcurled his hand into a loose fist, tilting his head to the side to gaze at his tattoo. "Now I'll have her with me always."

Gerard's heavy heart began to rise, clenching at the sentimental value of the portrait Frank carried with him. He knew how family orientated he was, and how bidding goodbye to a cherished member must've torn his heart down the middle no matter how strong of a front he put on to become the voice of peace to console his grieving family. Gerard was always a bit more selfish, and his mourning process left him unable to be much support to his family. He was the one seeking out comfort from others.

"She would've loved it." Gerard nodded slowly.

"Maybe not. She didn't like tattoos much." Frank's lips stretched into a grin without them parting.

"It's the meaning behind them that counts."

"Yeah." Frank rolled down his sleeve. He stared out the window again, keeping his body posed strangely in his seat to keep himself facing Gerard. "I have a portrait of my grandfather now. He's still alive and kicking." 

"Where do you have it?" Gerard asked, his eyes sweeping over whatever bit of Frank's skin he could see.

"On my upper arm." Frank patted the area he spoke of and grasped it, his fingers spreading out. "He loved it. I surprised him with it the day I got it."

Gerard chuckled through his nose, his lips curling upwards. "Of course he did."

Frank's lips spread in a wide smile. "He always tells me he'd be covered in tattoos if he didn't feel like he's too old for them now."

"You really are related."

Frank's familiar laugh warmed Gerard more than a sip of coffee ever could. "Sometimes I think I have more of him in me than my own father."

"You're still close with everyone?"

"Of course. I don't intend on being one of those kids that just stops visiting or calling after a while." Frank responded with so much certainty. "That would be fucked up. I don't have a reason to drift away."

"I feel guilty for not communicating my family as much as I should." Gerard's lips turned down. "We've never been the closest, but I love them. I'm just busy."

"If you can't help it, that's fine." Frank shrugged his shoulders. "They get it, don't they?"

"Yeah, I guess so." Gerard rolled his lips. "That's why I came down for a week. I missed Mikey. I missed Kristin, too."

"She fits right in with you guys, doesn't she?"

Gerard's mouth spread into a gradual smile. "She really does. She has since the moment Mikey brought her home. Some people are just super likeable."

"I'm glad Mikey found her." Frank said genuinely. "He was torn up about Alicia for a long time."

"Me too. He thought he wasn't gonna find anyone after her. But he did, and he's way happier with Kristin." Gerard sighed and took another drag from his cup, the hazelnut taste flooding his mouth. He swallowed it down and wedged it into the cup holder beside Frank's drink, loosely twisting his hands in his lap. He watched Frank roll his sleeve down, drawing Gerard's attention to his hands he noticed were loitered with more ink.

"What's that?" Gerard asked, and before he could fully think his actions through, he reached out to grazed the half of a broken heart inked in all black at the skin between Frank's thumb and index finger. His breath hitched and he instantly drew his hand back, blood flooding his cheeks. He wasn't about to pull another idiotic move. He just couldn't seem to stop crossing lines, pretty soon he'd break some sort of unspoken record. Even if it was fine with Frank, there were boundaries he set for himself.

Frank rotated the hand Gerard grazed. He held both out for Gerard to take into view. Hesitantly, Gerard looked them over, and tucked his hands beneath his thighs so he wouldn't impulsively touch Frank again. He read the words hopeless romantic on both of Frank's hands, one half of a broken heart and a spider web mirroring the spot taken up on the other hand.

"Oh, that." Frank mumbled.

"Hopeless romantic?" Gerard asked.

"For all the times I've spent wishing for something without going out and looking for it." Frank laughed softly, if not a bit ruefully.

Gerard pressed his lips together in a thin line. He nodded once and looked away, ignoring the pulsing in his heart. He wondered what Frank ached for, if it was drastically different from the memories they created together. Gerard bet it was; Frank probably craved a love that was unconditional, piled high with infinite patience, skills and intelligence in the person he found that surpassed everything Gerard ever had to offer. Gerard couldn't deny how it stung in his throat and behind his eyes to imagine Frank ever wanting something that didn't involve him at all. Then, as he realized what he was thinking, Gerard was beyond words, astonished over how selfish he was. It was his worst habit, one he couldn't ever break, and one that tore their love apart: Gerard wanted Frank's unconditional love and undivided attention when he couldn't give it in return.

"Hopeless romantics are the people that love comes to, they don't need to lift a finger." Gerard mustered every ounce of strength in his body to not allow the bitterness to leak into his voice. He was victorious, but the burn in his chest was impossible to move around.

"I'm still waiting." Frank said softly.

Gerard felt Frank's eyes on him. His lungs crumbled up, his stomach twisting. He didn't dare move his eyes away from the windshield to find what kept Frank's eyes drawn to his face. He gripped onto his coffee and took a gulp, savoring the warmth sliding down his drying throat.

"It's nice to see you still touch up on your Halloween tattoo." Gerard switched the subject over to avoid tension. It wasn't so foreign in comparison, lingering in Frank's hands where the other tattoo they discussed took residence.

"Oh, yeah. I still love it." Frank wriggled his fingers in front of him. "My favorite holiday."

"I remember." Gerard glanced at the freshly done coloring. "You wanted me to come with you when you got it done."

Frank giggled, still as high pitched and gleeful as when he was years younger. "You still hate needles?"

Gerard groaned. "I've learned to suck it up when I need to get shots and shit, but I detest them."

"I guess your answer on whether you'd get a tattoo of your own still stands."

"I won't voluntarily sit under a needle, are you insane?" Gerard's eyes widened in horror.

Frank's laughter came straight from the pit of his heart and it peered out through his eyes sparkling at the joy warming his insides. Gerard caught the infectious drift and laughter of his own rose out of him, mingling with Frank.

"Some things never change." Frank's body quaked with mirth and his bright smile was comforting.

"As much as I'd love to act like a man around needles, I don't think it's possible." Gerard dropped his gaze into his lap with a bashful grin.

"Nothing wrong with being a little less macho than all those douchebags out there." Frank pointed out. "I admire a guy who cries at sad movies and doesn't associate the color pink with girls only."

"You mean you admire yourself?"

"Shut up." Frank snorted.

Their laughter slowly died down to a comfortable silence. Outside, the snowflakes became more persistent, chilled enough to not disintegrate into a mere water droplet pressed against the glass. Gerard watched them twirl slowly through the air before making their graceful landing. Frank sipped his drink and Gerard did the same after twisting it free from the cup holder.

"I didn't really want to tell you at dinner because Kristin and Mikey were there, but there's another reason why I went through with getting your drawing tattooed on me." Frank interrupted the quiet softly as possible, grazing the edges of a whisper.

Gerard's heart began to sprint. He wrapped his spread fingers tightly around his drink, staring at Frank expectantly, but he wasn't sure if he was prepared to hear the other reason Frank kept from him. Frank met his eyes, completely soft and perfectly hazel even in the poor lighting. They were still capable of making Gerard's speeding heart rearrange its pattern into something jagged, out of rhythm.

"I liked having the memory there with me at all times." Frank absentmindedly stroked over where the tattoo was located.

"The memory?" Gerard repeated in a rasp.

"The memory of you and me." Frank's voice dropped into a whisper.

Gerard's tongue felt heavy and dry in his mouth all of a sudden. He felt his lips parted, air pushing out between them. He swore his heartbeat was audible, but Frank didn't comment on it if it was possible he caught onto the uneven thudding. He wasn't sure what Frank meant and he also wasn't sure if the answer would be his undoing.

"Frank." Gerard breathed.

"I know it didn't . . . end well, really. But it was still one of the best parts of my life. It was my first time really loving somebody, and — and it's still special to me. Even if it's over. It always will be. You don't need to have someone beside you forever to cherish what you built together." Frank swallowed hard enough for it to be visible in his throat and he shut his eyes. "I know you think I don't care, or I don't even think about it anymore. But I do. It's not something I can forget. Even if I wanted to."

Gerard's fingers dug hard into his thigh for a long moment. He struggled to keep his breathing steady. Was he seriously hearing all of this? Was Frank getting back at the pain Gerard caused by spitting out things that made his head swirl? He needed to know, but the question he asked was far different from the one he intended to let out.

"Have you?" He croaked. "Ever wanted to forget it?"

Frank opened his eyes. They didn't meet Gerard's, which was for the best in the long run, because Gerard was certain he'd disintegrate if his eyes looked into Frank's while hearing his answer. Or worse, he'd fly across the distance between them, the one they built over the years and the one existing in the suddenly claustrophobic car, and wrap his arms so tight around Frank that the breath from their lungs would be chased away. Gerard wanted the ground to swallow him up, but at the same time, he wanted the earth to shake, to force him into Frank's personal space, and for gravity to do the rest.

"I — I thought I did. In the beginning." Frank spoke the full truth. "I just couldn't bring myself to try. That said something to me, and I knew I shouldn't try to forget it because it's — I feel like it's a part of me. I _grew_ during my time with you. Forgetting is abandoning a piece of myself."

Gerard wished he could say the same. His dangerous affair with alcohol and stringing along multiple hookups would always haunt the back of his mind, soaked in bitter regret. His intentions were to drown the memories in toxic arrangements hoping it would kill them, but he only began to kill himself on the inside. If there was Frank's example for him to follow, he'd stumble along that path instead, but Gerard was left frostbitten and empty in the wake of losing the potential love of his life. Gerard wasn't sure how he felt processing Frank's confession and revisiting his own inexcusable actions, a mix of emotions forming a hurricane tearing down the middle of his body. Two different portions of his life conflicted, one at peace with the results of the downfall and the other continuing to rage despite knowing better after developing a stronger level of maturity.Gerard wasn't good for Frank — or, was it his past self that was nothing but a dose of toxicity? Would things be different if they went into motion again?

Forbidden thoughts. _Completely fucking stupid_ , Gerard thought to himself, and banished them all.

"I thought I did, too." Gerard grated out. "But then . . . then I just, couldn't."

"Do you still wish you could?" Frank whispered.

Gerard sighed unsteadily. He looked out the window at his side, his heartbeat thudding hard enough for his fingertips to vibrate. He told too many lies in his life to not tell the truth to a person who deserved it. "No."

He never would. Gerard would never trade his memories with Frank for any vast profit or promise of a dream come true, even if they pained him.

Nothing else needed to be said that night, nothing more than a few gentle words when the arrived home to wish each other goodnight. Gerard still felt warm all over, but he wasn't sure if all he experienced was pleasant. He captured Frank's eye when they were about to take off in opposite directions in the hallway. An urge, a buried instinct, rose forward in Gerard, and he almost reached out for Frank to kiss him softly on the lips before they went to bed. It caught him off guard, and he was frozen for a moment, imagining longing in Frank's eyes that used to shine there every night when they were in love. Those nights where soft kisses would be exchanged, building, leading to clothes being shed and loving fingers stroking tender skin. Those nights where Gerard really got to confirm that Frank was the most beautiful man he'd ever laid eyes on, no one could compare, no one ever would. In return, he felt beautiful under Frank's hands and lips, every time Frank looked up with glistening eyes and smiled giddily, blushing pink.

Fucking hell.

Gerard took a deep breath and said goodnight again as quickly as possible, scurrying to him room, nearly slamming the door behind him to escape. He stayed with his back pressed against it, his heart thudding out his chest. Gerard couldn't refrain from repeating Frank's words in his head and turning them over again and again. He analyzed the look in Frank's eyes, every quiet gesture and expression crossing his face, how no lividity lived there. Frank was truly a pure person for forgiving Gerard and looking at him the way he did in the car, and being able to look Gerard in the eye and tell him he valued the past. Gerard could only wish to be as good of a person. He felt as if he wasn't for feeling a specific way about Frank in the present.

Gerard sank into bed after hastily changing, staring up at the ceiling. He only managed to fall asleep by focusing on the rapid beat of his heart he gave up trying to manage.

Christmas Eve morning was celebrated by homemade hot chocolate, peppermint tea for Frank, waffles prepared by Gerard's hands longing to give back to his family giving him wonderful hospitality. The hot chocolate had been Kristin's recipe, she shared as she stirred the pot beside Gerard working at the stove, and the tea was brewed from a kettle, accompanied by melted peppermint candies added to the boiling mixture. Christmas music peacefully thrummed through the speaker in the living room and all the Christmas lights glimmered in their tangled garlands lavishly intertwined with holly and wreathes embellished with sugar plums and silver bows despite there being daylight. A white Christmas blessed their home as small snowflakes fluttered from the sky, kissing the icy earth like stardust falling from the heavens.

"I can't remember the last time we had a white Christmas." Gerard said, leaning over his steaming mug of hot chocolate to watch the snow fall.

"We barely even get snow out here." Mikey added.

"Snow in Los Angeles." Gerard slowly shook his head in awe. "It's been too long."

"I get snow every year." Frank grinned into his mugs so genuinely that his eyes crinkled at the outer corners. "It's gorgeous, but not so much when I'm the one who has to shovel that shit out of my way in the morning."

"Mikey wasn't so pleased when he was given snow duty the other day." Kristin said, leaning back in her chair with a serene smile. She glowed under the reflection of the colorful Christmas lights casting orbs across her blonde hair and her holiday sweater depicting the image of a present stretched over her pregnant belly. The best gift of all, her sweater read. Gerard held back a smile looking at it.

"I don't blame you. You should feel lucky you don't have to do it every winter, though." Frank pointed to Mikey and cocked a brow.

"I do." Mikey nodded. "Even if Kristin wasn't pregnant, she'd still make me do it every time."

"That's because I'm the lady and you're the man." Kristin tapped Mikey's nose. He captured her hand and stamped a tender kiss onto her knuckles, eliciting a gleeful giggle.

Gerard and Frank smiled, then met each other's eyes at the same time. Gerard could feel the color spreading through his face even while he looked away. After last night, he was left wondering what exactly Frank meant when he said he'd never forgotten about Gerard the way he thought he did and wanted to keep the memory alive. It might've been self explanatory to others, but Gerard's mind didn't work very simply. He overanalyzed everything and made a fool out of himself most of the time. Whatever it meant, it left his head spinning, his lungs without a breath to spare him through the night. His dreams were filled with memories running behind his lids like faded film he wished he didn't need to relive again.

"So!" Kristin clapped her hands together and snapped Gerard out of his reverie. "Tonight, you're all helping me with dinner. I'm _way_ too pregnant to make two big meals and cookies by myself."

"Two meals?" Frank asked.

"We have a giant turkey breast and a vegan roast." Kristin smiled amiably. "You didn't think I was gonna feed you just potatoes and veggies, did you?"

"Kristin, you really don't have to go out of your way for me like that. You've already done a lot." Frank's cheeks flooded with color.

"Shut up. You're our guest." Kristin stood up with Mikey's helping hand. "Gerard, I'm making snickerdoodles just for you."

Gerard lit up. "Really?"

"Please stop being surprised by my kindness. It's almost insulting." Kristin giggled.

"I really hope you don't give her a reason to leave, Mikes." Frank grinned. "She's like my second mom."

"You sap. Everyone go get ready, we've got a lot of preparing to do."

Gerard did as Kristin instructed by showering firsthand and taking a razor to the light sheen of stubble sprouting around his jawline. Once he was cleanly shaven, he dressed in a dark button down shirt and jeans clinging a little too tightly to his legs, but he admired the way they shaped him, so he decided to keep them unless he felt uncomfortable at any point.

When he stepped out of the room, he noticed Frank had changed into a plum colored sweater setting off the healthy glow of his complexion and dark jeans clinging to the right places. Frank had always been thin, but Gerard could tell where he filled out the slightest bit more, where he broadened after losing the last bits of childish features to take the shape of a fully grown adult. His dark hair tucked behind his ears as he helped Kristin slice potatoes on a flat cutting board. Meanwhile, she worked on adding ingredients into a large bowl for the cookies, cracking an egg on the edge to spill the contents inside. Mikey settled off to the side to wash vegetables, piling them into the counter on a towel spread out to capture the water droplets.

He caught Frank's eye and swallowed hard as their eyes flickered over each other, obviously checking each other out. Gerard breathed out through his noise shakily and tore his eyes away.

"Do you need help with anything?" Gerard asked, feeling strange standing off to the side while everyone was assigned a task.

"Um, you can help Frank chop the vegetables." Kristin eyed the carrots and bell peppers piling beside Mikey.

Gerard set out a cutting board across from Frank's station and gathered the vegetables, being handed a knife when he was about to retrieve one. As he began cutting into the veggies, he started to realize he wasn't familiar with any technique since he rarely cooked at home. He was pretty helpless, but he pretended he wasn't so he wouldn't be standing around like an inconsiderate dickhead.

"You're cutting those wrong." Frank said with faint amusement, watching Gerard slice into the bell peppers.

Gerard paused. "There's a specific way to do it?"

"There is."

"I don't do this a lot."

"I do." Frank looked up through his lashes with a smile. "Being vegan calls for it. Do you want me to show you how to do it?"

Gerard's cheeks flushed, but he nodded, and moved out of the way for Frank to slide in beside him. Their shoulders brushed together and Frank's cologne wafted underneath Gerard's nose, sending his heart into a slight frenzy. _God, please help me._

"You were right by cutting off the top first." Frank poked the tip of the knife into the stem laying off to the side. "But you have you lay the pepper down flat and slice vertically, not horizontally." Frank demonstrated, effortlessly slicing into the peppers like he'd mastered the skill. Gerard struggled to keep his eyes away from the way Frank's muscles moved in his tattooed forearm, his sleeves rolled up yet again to reveal the work of art Gerard was entranced by the other day. His tattooed fingers glistened with the juices from the vegetable, sending Gerard's mind down a lane he almost physically jerked at trying to veer his thoughts away from it. What the fuck was he doing? He startled again as another vivid memory polluted his mind, tingles washing across his skin and spilling hotly down his lower spine.

Gerard heavily focused on the cutting technique instead to attempt to learn something valuable at the very least. He was in disbelief that he was having trouble keeping his thoughts in a pure direction. He wasn't allowed to think otherwise anymore, so he told himself.

"Okay, now you try it." Frank handed the knife to Gerard.

Hesitantly, Gerard wrapped his slightly sweaty hand around the handle of the knife left warm by Frank's grip. He slowly went to reenact what he'd seen Frank do, but the slices he cut were coming away too thin.

"They need to be a little thicker. Other than that, you've got it." Taking Gerard by surprise, Frank moved in and angled himself slightly so his chest was pressed against Gerard's arm and his scent was making Gerard's head spin. He moved his arm under the space in Gerard's to gently lay his hands over the latter's, poising the knife onto the vegetable. He was murmuring something about measuring the size of the slices visually before cutting, but the sound was drowned out by the sound of Gerard's heartbeat and the softness of Frank's breathing moving in and out steadily through his nose. His hands were warm and strong against Gerard's, softer than he'd expected from a guitarist in an active band. Then again, he'd never been as rough as one assumed. Gerard could only focus on the heat of his body, the solidness and the soft parts, how if he turned his head and moved in close by the smallest amount, their lips would be centimeters apart. Gerard's skin was flushed and breaking out into a small sweat. He was utterly doomed.

Frank's eyes lifted away from the cutting board the second he realized Gerard's wasn't answering whatever question he'd asked him. Gerard helplessly followed his gaze and their eyes locked. As though he forgot all about cooking and chopping techniques, Frank's cheeks filled in with a rosy blush matching Gerard's glowing hue. He noticed their closeness, but neither one of them moved away. It was magnetic, and if Gerard didn't have some self restraint or if he was younger, he knew he'd be kissing Frank by then. The thought crossed his mind and made his eyes fall to Frank's lips he pointedly avoided looking at for longer than a portion of a second for the sake of his heart. They weren't as plump as he remembered them being, but they were still flushed an appealing red and pink. They were full enough for Gerard's heart to stutter, longing kicking his body into motion. He almost leaned in, _almost_ , and Frank's eyes were beginning to flutter shut, his head moving.

Gerard gasped as he realized what he was doing. What _they_ were doing. It sounded like a car crash inside his head where he was pumping the breaks as harshly as possible to no avail. He disentangled himself in a moment of panic and started backing away. The knife went clattering to the ground, gaining the attention of Kristin and Mikey who had been obliviously working to make the cookie batter.

"Gerard?" Frank asked breathlessly. His large eyes stared at him, waiting for him to make any sort of movement. He was so beautiful with a bright blush painting his cheeks and breathlessly holding onto the countertop for support. He reminded Gerard of his teenage self and he could almost taste the way things ended, reminding him of why he shouldn't get so caught up in Frank's beauty again.

"I'm sorry." Gerard choked out. "I think I — I think I need to go for a walk."

"What? What's wrong?" Mikey asked, deeply confused by Gerard's suddenly change in behavior.

"I need to go." Before any protests could be given, Gerard scrambled into the living room, shoved his arms into his heavy coat, grabbed his scarf, and moved out into the cold winter day as fast as he could without slipping on ice.

The snow had stopped at some point and there was only a bitter breeze moving through the frozen branches of trees. Christmas lights glowing brightly wrapped around snow capped houses were torturously jolly to Gerard now that he was in deep distress, wondering how the hell he allowed himself to slip back there. It pained him how easy it was to melt in Frank's presence. How old feelings resurrected nearly instantly the second he laid eyes on Frank a few nights ago. He felt idiotic for ever thinking he could move on from Frank because it became abundantly clear that it was impossible as long as Frank was still alive and unfairly beautiful in such a unique way where it was obvious in the charming curl of his smile and the amber churning in his irises, no matter how out of reach he was. Gerard knew all along in the same stride, because there was no escaping the flashes of hazel eyes appearing in his dreams, the hollowness he experienced whenever he tried to find the happiness he felt near Frank in another man and came away more lifeless than before.

There was no one else in the sea of billions of people that could ever amount to Frank.

Gerard's lips tingled knowing they'd been robbed of a kiss he desperately longed for during his loneliness over the course of the past six years. He was lonely even when he wasn't alone. That spoke thousands of words to Gerard and yet, he couldn't say any of them out loud because he was afraid of it all being real. His hopelessness. His greatest mistake. He walked brusquely through the cold and knew he deserved the way his lungs felt like they were about to curl in in themselves and freeze over solid in his body if he kept panting like he was hyperventilating the more his thoughts were infected by everything he never had the courage to face.

Over the sound of his panicked breathing, Gerard began to hear another sound rise over that. He forced his breath to take a pause so he could listen in on the new noise. It echoed behind him, growing closer, until he realized they were running footsteps.

"Gerard!" Frank's voice broke through the clearing.

Gerard almost broke out into a sprint. He froze in his place instead, his body useless to his mind's commands. He didn't have the strength to move until Frank was already there. Gerard scrambled forward, but ended up slipping on a sheet of ice he hadn't seen under his footing. He slipped, making a panicked noise as he started to skid, but Frank threw his arms around Gerard in an attempt to keep him from falling. They both ended up slipping from the sudden movements and went crashing to the ground in a heap.

Conveniently, Frank landed on top of Gerard, nearly crushing him. Gerard managed to keep his head from banging against the concrete by shielding the back of it with his hands, but the cold concrete and rubble from the street cut into his flesh, leaving him hissing loudly in pain. Frank groaned, sprawled out awkwardly. Then, he sprang up into his elbows, staring down at Gerard with large eyes widened to an uncanny size.

"Holy shit, are you okay?" Frank's voice was high and thin with alarm.

"No," Gerard moaned, "I just skinned my hands and you're crushing me."

"I'm sorry." Frank scrambled off of Gerard and fumbled back onto the ground. "I was trying to help, but . . ."

Gerard sat up, pain riding up his back. He looked down at his hands beginning to bleed around the knuckles. "Why did you follow me out here, Frank?"

Frank ignored his question. He squirmed closer to Gerard, close enough to touch his hands. Gerard was just about the snatch them back, but Frank's hands were concealed in warm skeleton gloves, fingers gingerly rubbing under his damaged knuckles.

"I'm sorry." Frank whispered. "I didn't want you to leave again."

The words split through Gerard's skin and cut him in two. "You didn't — Frank."

"I didn't want you to leave me again." Frank said louder, more certain of what he wanted to say. He squeezed his eyes shut and still held onto Gerard's stinging and cold hands. "You've got a habit of walking away."

Gerard, wounded by his statement even though he knew he was right, yanking his hands free. "I only did that once. You know why."

"You do it all the time." Frank opened his eyes and shook his head wildly. "Whenever we'd fight, you'd walk out of the room. At dinner a few nights ago, you said something to me that you thought you shouldn't have and just walked away. Last night, I wanted you to stay with me and keep talking to me, but you left me alone. Right now, you ran out of the house. You — you keep leaving, Gerard, before we can fix anything, you run from me."

"Maybe if you didn't give me reasons to walk away, I wouldn't." Gerard's first defense was to go against Frank's accusations even though they weren't accusations, they were the blistering truth, and Gerard still didn't know why he continued to fight when he accepted it a long time ago.

"Don't turn this on me." Frank looked as if he'd been punched in the stomach.

"You— you just—" Gerard couldn't process the many phrases and sentences crossing his mind like a personal blizzard brewed to life in his brain. He stammered until he eventually let out a frustrated noise echoing around the neighborhood. He couldn't do this. He hauled himself to his feet, almost slipping again in the process, and jammed his hands into his pockets. "I'm going to continue walking and I don't want you to follow me."

"You're proving my point!" Frank exclaimed, still sprawled on the floor. "You're walking away again!"

"It's Christmas Eve, Frank, I don't want to do this right now." Gerard turned his back and started to walk.

Frank got to his feet and started off in Gerard's shadow. A burst of frustration flashed down Gerard's spine. He wished Frank would understand that Gerard couldn't, even if he wanted to so badly.

"Then when do you want to do this? Because I'm not leaving until you talk to me." Frank insisted.

"Please." Gerard almost choked around the word he forced up to his lips.

"Gerard Way, can you stop fucking speed walking so we can end this?" Frank's hand on his arm made Gerard freeze up in his steps. Frank bumped into him, gasped, then halted a pace or two opposite of where Gerard stopped so suddenly.

Through Gerard's tightened throat and chest, his heartbeat pounded and rushed blood through his ears loudly. He couldn't help the warm spread of tears building up behind his eyes. It was as though he watched himself move and speak outside of his body. The pain in Frank's eyes when he twisted around to face him sent a sharp blow through his body. It was too similar to the look in his eyes before Gerard shut the door on him that final time many years ago.

"Why would we fix this if I already ruined it and it's been over for so long?" Gerard asked tremulously. "Why when it wouldn't change anything?"

Frank slowly shook his head beseechingly. "It's not ruined and it's not over. You know damn well it isn't."

"You and I haven't been together in years."

"That doesn't mean we don't still feel something." Frank gestured between them. "I know you felt the same way I did just now in the kitchen. We aren't through."

"You were my first love. Of course I'll always feel something for you."

"It's not just matter of being each other's first love." Frank quickly said. "It's so much more than that."

Gerard painfully looked away for a moment. He stared at the pile of snow collected near the sewer a few feet away from where they stood.

"Right, and what if we acted on that?" Gerard defiantly wretched the words through his teeth. "You'd go back on tour and leave me alone again just like you did before? I don't know if I can take that again. You want a repeat of that shit?"

"I may have to leave, Gerard, but you can't start thinking that automatically means I've forgotten about you." Frank moved in towards Gerard. His instinct was to step back, but he could no longer move away as Frank lifted a trembling hand, resting it underneath Gerard's chin. Gerard shakily gasped, not meeting Frank's eyes.

"How could I forget about you?" Frank's breath was so warm compared to the cold of winter pressing down on Gerard's cheeks. "You left me before I could explain anything to you."

"All we did was fight when you came back." Gerard's lower lip trembled. Frank's focus stapled onto it, growing so tender that the hazel color in his irises turned into warm fountains absorbing the frostbite locked inside Gerard's heart.

"You always had something to say." Frank somberly drew his hand away. "You hated my career."

"Because!" Gerard burst out, making Frank startle a bit. "It took you away from me. How was I supposed to know people weren't throwing themselves at you? Or that you wouldn't realize you like freedom far more than coming back to me, your impatient, hopeless, nagging boyfriend?"

"You were all I ever wanted!" Frank protested. "I — I loved you and only you, Gerard, why wasn't that ever enough?"

The question bounced around in Gerard's head and sank underneath his flesh stinging from the cold. It broke the wall of tears building behind his eyes taking in the look of desperation rawly displayed on Frank's face. Against his wishes, tears filled his eyes, heatedly pooling until he blinked and they spilled across his cheeks. He was angry that they fell, but their appearance melted Frank on sight.

"Shit," Frank whispered weakly. "Don't cry. I— I hate making you cry." Frank moved in again and began wiping Gerard's tears from his cheeks with tender swipes of his thumbs. Gerard couldn't stop himself from leaning into his touch, starved for comfort after fighting with his mind for so long. Frank shushed him quietly and held Gerard's face in his hands.

"It . . . it wasn't enough because I was so insecure when things started to change. I was alone all the time." Gerard's fragile voice cracked. "I was scared of losing you. That fear ended up with me being the reason why we ended."

"You weren't going to lose me." Frank slowly shook his head, gazing deeply into Gerard's watery eyes. "I told you that so many times—"

"It was different hearing it than feeling it." Gerard wished he could look away from the burning intensity in Frank's eyes. "But I know I tired you out. I put this — this fucking distance between us, I just . . ." He trailed off in a whisper.

"I shouldn't have let you." Frank stroked Gerard's hair away from his face. "That was my mistake. I should've been there for you. I should've never made you feel so scared of losing me."

"It was all me. I just wasn't very good for you." Gerard mirthlessly chuckled.

"Shut the fuck up." Frank's harsh choice of words contrasted with the velvety softness of his tone. "You can't put all of the blame on yourself. I didn't see how much I was hurting you."

"Frank," Gerard's tongue tangled for a moment. "I made a huge mistake. I ruined it."

"You didn't ruin anything. Yeah, it broke us up, but . . . I knew that wasn't the end for us."

"I hurt you." Gerard whispered.

Frank didn't agree nor disagree yet. He chose to listen. He carefully watched Gerard's face, sliding his hands down to his jaw to stroke along the line with his fingertips.

"And I guess I'm not good with change." Gerard looked down shamefully. "I'm just a stubborn dickhead."

"Change is difficult." Frank said.

"But if I loved you so much, I shouldn't have let that get in the way." Gerard's eyes welled up with fresh tears. "I always knew you were going to make music and do things with it. I don't know why I wasn't prepared for that."

"We were really young," Frank moved his hands to Gerard's shoulders. "We were inseparable for so long, and suddenly, I had to leave pretty often."

"You didn't take it nearly as badly as I did." Gerard couldn't stand thinking of how shallow and insecure he'd been. "I'm still afraid of those things, I guess. That's why . . . I've been distant. And kind of an asshole to you. I'm so s—"

"Shit, that sounds an awful lot like an apology. Didn't I tell you you don't need to apologize for everything?" Frank's soft smile saturated with sadness made Gerard's knees buckle.

"I _do_ need to apologize." Gerard's hands finally reacted, all thoughts of stinging pain dissipating. They found their way to Frank's wrists, wrapping around them lightly until Frank's eyes widened and his gaze flickered between Gerard's hands and face.

"I'm sorry I gave up on us before we had a talk about what was going on. One that didn't end up in an argument." Gerard winced. "Fuck, we haven't even talked in so long because I refused to. I kept trying to — fucking hell, I blamed you for the longest time because I couldn't face myself."

"G, don't turn it onto yourself." Frank started to plea, but Gerard stopped him.

"I'm just telling the truth. The truth is that— it's that I . . ." Gerard sucked in a large breath to brace himself. "I've never been able to move on from you. I've tried. Failed. Repeated the cycle. You know how that shit goes. I have all of this regret." 

Frank's wide eyes eagerly drank in every syllable, and he was drawing in so close, slipping his hands into Gerard's effortlessly. When their fingers tangled together, the forgotten spark Gerard dampened once before ignited heavily in the center of his chest.

"There's always been a part of me that told me it'll never really be over the way I wanted to believe it was. I thought it was for the best." Gerard squeezed Frank's hands tightly. "I was fucking selfish. I didn't even let you speak before I shut the door on you. I'm so sorry."

"The only thing I wanted to say to you was that . . . I wish you'd had more faith in me and I should've taken better care of you. I wish there was more time in the world so we wouldn't be torn apart." Frank's voice sounded tight with emotion. "I really loved you despite what you thought."

"God. I loved you, too." _I still do._

"Past tense?" Frank dared to breathe, like he'd managed to read into Gerard's thoughts and desires to hear him say it out loud for it to be real.

Gerard released Frank's hands to hesitantly rise and stroke through Frank's black hair. At the touch, Frank appeared surprised, but he shut his eyes and leaned into him, capturing one of Gerard's hands to fold his fingers in and bring his fist to his lips. His warmth bolted through Gerard's bones and resonated in his pounding heart.

"I still love you." Gerard never said it out loud, though he felt it, like flowers that decayed and bloomed again through the seasons. In the sense it never truly died and waited for the kiss of brighter skies to come alive again.

Frank's eyes flashed open. Softness flooded into his eyes beginning to fill with tears the same way Gerard's did. Everything was revealed to Gerard before he spoke, sending his heart kicking and his breath shaking wildly.

"I love you." Frank stepped in and nearly pressed them together from how close he was. "I never stopped."

"Me too." Gerard jerkily nodded. His brittle lungs felt like they could fill entirely now that there was no barrier constantly pushing down on them. Frank was the resolution all along.

"I always knew I couldn't love anyone the way I've loved you."

"Did you try?"

"No. I waited for something huge to come to me, but it just — never happened." Frank's eyes glowed warmly. "I guess it was for a reason, wasn't it?"

"You've always been able to make me believe in shit like that." Gerard sniffed. "Stuff I've never believed in before."

"Let's start over. We don't need to put a label on it or even tell anyone if you don't want to." Frank breathed. "I want to do this the right way, and learn everything about you all over again. I don't wanna leave feeling like I left something behind."

Gerard's heart constricted deeply without any sign of the pain he was accustomed to. A fearful thought passed his mind before he was finally able to overcome it. There was no need to his beneath his own shadow anymore. Dammit, he loved Frank, and Frank loved him. The weight resting on their shoulders had been lifted at last. He was nodding, desperate for another tomorrow, having been yearning for it for so long that reality felt like a dream.

"I want that more than anything. Please." Gerard touched Frank's cheek. "Kiss me."

No single second was wasted. Frank instantly complied to Gerard's request like he'd been awaiting for it to fall through. He pressed his warm lips eagerly against Gerard's, igniting an engulfing fire warming Gerard's insides. His lips parted under Frank's and they fell into a familiar rhythm they'd never forgotten through the years. The snow began to flutter around them again as their lips moved together and noises of relief spilled from them, all broken areas in their hearts being repaired and tenderly soothed at their first kiss in years. Gerard's hands cradled Frank's face as the kiss deepened, and Frank's hands tightened at his waist, pulling him impossible closer.

When they broke the kiss, their breath escaped in puffs of air colliding and creating a subtle air of humidity between their flushed lips. Grins crept onto their faces gradually, giddy laughter echoing in the winter air, two lonely souls finding their way home again.

"God damn, I missed doing that. I've been forming a hernia trying not to just jump your bones since last night." Frank said in deep relief.

"I almost went into cardiac arrest in the kitchen." Gerard admitted, and it felt good to be honest about his emotions.

"It would've fucking sucked if you died before I got to do this again." Frank curled his hands around Gerard's face and kissed him desperately, a brush of tongue grazing his lower lip.

"Fuck yeah." Gerard whispered against his mouth.

Christmas Eve was spent away from the cold indoors and the welcoming home belonging to Mikey and Kristin. Lights twinkled in the branches of the Christmas tree and provided a special warmth neither one of them could describe as anything except for the magic of the Christmas season casting a spell of love settling into the foundation of the house. Apologies were sputtered when Gerard returned with Frank in tow, much to his disapproval, and it seemed apologies weren't necessary when Mikey and Kristin elatedly invited their return at their first sight of Gerard's fingers intertwined with Frank's.

"Oh my god, I knew this was gonna happen." Kristin excitedly giggled.

"I told you not to keep your hopes up just in case." Mikey gently squeezed his wife's hand.

"I'm a sap, you know that." Kristin drew her hand away to gingerly knock the back of it against Mikey's shoulder with an amused grin.

"I'm sorry again for just running away for a little bit." Gerard sheepishly smiled and prayed the scarlet glow in his cheeks would die down. Frank's fingers squeezed his own and Gerard's racing heart calmed instantly.

"It's fine. The food's not gonna run away or go bad just because you stepped out for a little while." Kristin reassured. "We can pick up where we left off on a happier note."

"After I teach Gerard how to cut vegetables correctly." Frank giggled delightfully, pink glowing in his cheeks that made Gerard feel dewy eyed for a moment, and he affectionately leaned his forehead against Gerard's shoulder, still chuckling softly. Gerard's tender smile matched the warmth flowing into his heart. _Yeah, I'm definitely still gone for this guy._

Before they retreated to the kitchen, Mikey pulled Gerard aside, his eyebrows high with a faint smile on his face.

"You're sure about this, G?" Mikey didn't seem dubious. He asked to assure himself completely that Gerard put thought into his decision.

Gerard lowered his voice when he spoke. "I never stopped loving him. I want to do things right."

"I know. I always knew you never got over him. I just want to make sure you're not gonna get hurt again."

Gerard understood Mikey's concern and matched it with his own in the beginning. Yet, the deeper he touched into the depth of his affection and the lessons he learned through the years he spent apart from Frank, he felt wiser, mature enough to grapple onto whatever struggles he might come across in the future to handle them with grace. Paired with Frank's ambitious nature and his desire to do his part in their new attempt, Gerard was left with no doubts. He looked over at Frank in the kitchen, speaking with Kristin with a dazzling grin crinkling the corner of his eyes, and Gerard never felt more grounded. The last time he felt that way was when he was in Frank's arms years ago.

"Nothing felt right after I left him." Gerard murmured. "Nothing fit. Now, I feel like I'm doing everything right for once."

Understand became clear in Mikey's eyes and he became more relaxed to Gerard's relief. Mikey patted Gerard on the shoulder, approving of his answer, and turned them in the direction of the kitchen to lend their helping hands for dinner.

Dinner was by far the most pleasant one they'd had over the course of a week. The joyful music spilling from the speakers lifted their spirits and they sprung into lighthearted conversation warming their hearts from the very pit to their fingertips, fingers Gerard hesitantly slid along the side of Frank's underneath the table until he responded and their hands joined together in silent harmony. It had been so long since he felt complete, but the jagged puzzle piece rendering him an incomplete person reunited with his heart, and that was the greatest Christmas gift he could ever receive in thousands of lifetimes.

Above all things, Gerard was at peace with himself.

Evening fell upon them and enveloped the sky in rich tones of darkness being chased away by the incandescent glow of colorful and silver lights gleaming down the rows of houses in the neighborhood including the Way household. Kristin and Mikey sat close together on the couch with drinks in their hands, Kristin and Gerard's being nonalcoholic for different reasons, and Frank enjoyed another serving of peppermint tea and they say across from a glowing fire warming their skin, recollecting fond memories and stories to share. Gerard and Mikey had plenty of entertaining stories about their childhood together and all of their nerdy antics they got up to to save them from boredom. Kristin had precious tales of her own, as well as Frank, and the laughter they shared was a treasured memory Gerard would hold close to his heart.

At night, when the house was finally resting after a holiday spent together, Gerard was able to be alone with Frank. He was permitted to act on his desires, the thoughts he suppressed, as long as they worked to keep quiet while the others were asleep down the hall. Gerard struggled keeping Frank quiet when he couldn't stop giggling and babbling about how badly he wanted Gerard. Gerard hardly contained his own wide smile and noises of his own while relishing in the familiar sensation of Frank's hands all over him, the feeling of his skin pressed tight to his own and the symphonic ways Frank's breath stuttered under every touch.

"I fucking missed this." Frank tossed his head back while Gerard was down between his legs, keeping his thighs spread apart and pushed up towards his chest.

"He says for the millionth time." Gerard chuckled, his fingers dripping from the lube Frank suspiciously packed with him. He claimed to have no ulterior motives, which Gerard knew was a load of shit, but he let it pass. He was way too wired up to tease Frank about it when he was just as guilty for having plenty of impure thoughts about Frank during the time of his visit.

"I'm not gonna stop saying it." Frank gasped at the fingers gradually being pushed inside him, rocking down against them. Gerard cursed softly watching his two fingers slip inside, stretching Frank out, his ass glistening from the copious amount of lube he drenched his fingers in.

"I missed this, too." Gerard rasped out. He couldn't say otherwise; he was suddenly more eager than ever while watching Frank screw himself down on his hand, all glistening tattooed skin and perfect thighs and a mouth made for things like exactly what they were doing.

 _Fuck, look at him._ Gerard was so fucking lucky.

Gerard twisted his fingers inside Frank and was met with his back arching, a strangled sound being cut off by his hand slapping over his mouth. Frank masked his giggle and swallowed down another moan Gerard wished he could hear, but he'd settle for at least being able to touch Frank at all. Gerard watched Frank's ass take his fingers so well and he couldn't resist leaning down to swipe his tongue across him a few times, feeling Frank twitch each time. Gerard slid his tongue between his fingers and tasted the lube grazing his tastebuds, fucking Frank with his tongue for a moment until he was gasping and almost unable to keep quiet.

"Just fuck me already," Frank breathed impatiently. "I don't need that much prep."

"I wanna be careful with you."

"I'm fine," Frank insisted, wrapping a hand around his cock to stroke himself. "Please?"

Gerard's mouth watered at the sight of Frank's fist wrapped tightly around his slick cock, rapidly stroking while struggling to suck down the moans building in his chest, a dribble of precome tricking across his tattooed fingers. Gerard made a soft noise and crawled up to Frank, stealing his lips in a starved kiss instantly inviting tongue and their muted moans vibrating against their mouths. Gerard fumbled for the condom and tore open the foil hastily. They'd had sex without protection in the past, but years drifted by, so the first time they invited sex back into their lives called for precaution. Gerard tore away from the kiss and stared down at Frank's flushed face, reaching down to wrap a hand around his own cock and giving it a few strokes before guiding it to Frank's ass. When he slid inside, Frank instinctively whined and wrapped his legs tight around Gerard's waist, a hiss slipping between his teeth.

Gerard sighed shakily at the pressure around his cock, how easily he slipped inside from Frank practically sucking him right in. His body trembled and he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, feeling the heated waves of pleasure shooting down his legs and back up with increasing intensity. "Fuck, _yeah_."

"Yeah," Frank breathlessly agreed and brought Gerard down for a brief but heavy kiss. "I needed this."

"I never forgot how good you feel." Gerard completely lost his filter. He started moving his hips, feeling Frank clench every single time, and he was certain he was going to lose it before he wanted. Judging by Frank's heavy breathing and his struggle to restrain his moans, he wasn't doing much better in his attempt to last.

"Did you think of me when you were with other people?" Frank breathed.

At first, it was shocking to Gerard that Frank would ask a question like that. He slowed a bit, gazing down at Frank. It startled him to see Frank's eyes were dark and glistening, his scarlet mouth open and slick from his spit and the perspiration built above his upper lip. Gerard realized it turned Frank on to think that Gerard imagined Frank in the place of any other partner he had after their relationship, channeling every morsel of pleasure and turning it into a fantasy where Frank had never left and Gerard was fucking him hard, or being fucked by him.

"Yeah," Gerard admitted a bit hesitantly at first, but he was answered by Frank's cock twitching between them, leaking heavily. Fuck, he loved it. Gerard started moving faster, gulping down his moans but being unable to control the broken pattern of the breath leaving his lungs. "They were never enough for me. I — all I wanted was you."

"Harder," Frank whispered with sparkling eyes swallowed up in the darkness of lust, breathing quicker now. "Fuck me. Please."

"We might wake them up." Gerard paused.

"I'll be quiet. Just. Please." Frank beseeched him with large eyes, using his legs and his hips to push Gerard in deeper. His eyelids fluttered when Gerard brushed his prostate and his short fingernails scraped his shoulders as another silent plea for his desire to be fed.

Gerard cupped a hand around Frank's mouth, then increased the swing of his hips, fucking into Frank hard the way he'd requested. Frank's eyes rolled back and shut tight, every sound masked by Gerard's hand, but Gerard was having trouble himself. He curled up into Frank's neck and unleashed his breathy moans there, every thrust going so fucking deep while Frank clenched tight around his cock. The euphoria unfolded and flourishing deeply in his bloodstream until Gerard was truly speechless from how good it felt to finally be inside Frank again, drenched in pleasure, sinking deeper into it each time he drove hard into him. He looked down at where they were connected, his cock pounding into Frank's ass stretched around him, pink and dripping with lube. Gerard choked down a whine and pushed Frank's thigh against his chest to keep him spread wide open.

They turned over so Frank was on his stomach and sprawled across the bed, Gerard's hands slipping across his hips as he laid on top of him, fucking into him hard. It was easier for Frank to keep the volume to a minimum with the pillows there for him to press his face into, jerking his hips back onto Gerard's cock constantly hitting against his spot. They couldn't stop, breathing harshly and fading into each other, fucking hard and fast until they were coming far too soon for their liking, but that didn't hinder their bliss the slightest bit. They found the satisfaction they craved for years since they split apart, every muscle and atom responding to their orgasms while they were tangled together in a heap of naked skin and stroking hands. It felt endless as it rode through them and lapped at every portion of their insides barely being able to keep up with the intensity of it all. Gerard couldn't remember the last time he was left gasping and boneless from an orgasm. He wished he could continue through it, without a need to keep their noise under control. Gerard tenderly kissed Frank's sweaty shoulder and stroked his hip slowly.

Eventually, they rolled over and disposed of their items they made good use out of. They stayed naked under the covers when the chill caught onto them. Frank crept closer by the minute and soon was laying with his head over Gerard's heart barely returning to a normal rhythm. Gerard's lungs still felt like they couldn't draw in enough air, but for reasons that didn't have to do with sex; he was always breathless in Frank's presence. That would never change. Gerard stroked through Frank's hair and delighted in the sound of him breathing, his fingers drawing patterns across his chest, and the heat of his body curled up beside his own.

"Sorry for asking if you thought about me while you hooked up with other people." Frank said quietly all of a sudden. "That was probably a little weird of me to ask."

"It wasn't weird. Just surprising." Gerard passed a hand through Frank's hair. "It turned you on, didn't it?" Bold, but he wanted to hear it from Frank himself.

Frank chuckled and buried his face in Gerard's chest, skin rosy and so warm that Gerard no longer felt the nip of winter air. "Yeah. I just . . . like to think that you never stopped wanting me like that either."

Despite the type of topic they were on, Gerard's heart skipped a beat, something Frank heard and acknowledged by moving up and placing a soft kiss to his neck. Frank implying that he did the same made Gerard feel like he discovered the most valuable vault of treasure to ever exist, so surreal that humankind made a myth out of it.

"I didn't. Actually — I had certain expectations and stuff after you." Gerard's face glowed red and he laughed nervously. "All those hookups and short term boyfriends seemed lousy in comparison."

Frank lifted his head and Gerard was met by a beam curling up Frank's pretty lips, sparkling radiantly in his eyes honeyed from the warmth inside his heart. Gerard felt alive when he looked into them, knowing Frank's beam was dedicated to him alone.

"I really fucking love you." Frank tittered adoringly. He grazed Gerard's cheek and scooted up to press his lips against it. Gerard was on cloud nine to hear those words again.

"I love you, too." Gerard's eyes fluttered and he turned his face to catch Frank's lips before he had the chance to pull away. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, G Way." Frank grinned, tugging the blankets over their heads and kissing Gerard deeply in the comfortable darkness where they reminisced while creating a new romance that would go everlasting if the fates allowed.


End file.
